Monday, August 11, 2014

My Story of Depression

I thought in light of the sad news of Robin Williams' death I would share my story of depression. It is so hard to go through. Getting to that depth of despair...it is only by the grace of God that one can come out of it.

I grew up in a Christian home. My grandma called me the perfect one. My friends in high school called me smiley because I was always…well smiling and happy. Aside from 3 broken arms, I wasn’t the sick child. I was the easy teenager. I always thought…I have the most boring testimony. Went to camp in 4th grade, came back having accepted Christ, and never questioned my faith after that.

Then in December of 2009 I married my amazing husband. My husband grew up in Papua New Guinea where his parents are missionaries. He had a desire to be overseas and share Christ with others. While we were engaged he applied to teach at a school in Indonesia. At the time we didn’t think he would get hired. God, of course had other plans and he was hired and in July of 2010 we were on a flight to Indonesia with a signed contract for Stephen to teach there for two years. 

Now, I am a homebody and my family is extremely close. I came home from college EVERY weekend except for one. My grandma lives less than 15 minutes away and my dad’s whole side of the family has family dinner EVERY Sunday since I was born. Here I was…following my husband to a foreign country that is filled with Muslims, active volcanoes, and 9,059mi away.  I was scared but I knew God was with us.

We moved, we made friends, we found a church, and we fell in love with the Indonesian people. We knew this was where God wanted us. We were growing as a couple and in our personal relationships with Christ. Then on October 22, I took a test. On our birthday (yup we have the same birthday!) we found out we were pregnant. We were so very excited. Our first baby! We were going to be parents. I ran over and showed the pee stick to my best friend, called my parents on skype, and had a fantastic day. 

I probably should have questioned the deep purple line that I was able to see…after all it was 3 days before my period was supposed to come. At 5 weeks we went to the doctor where during that time he told us we were having twins. I laughed…because of course we were and my husband went into shock. For the next 8 months I was on sky high. So excited to become a mom and of twins!!! I had so much help from my hubby and friends and never had a single pregnancy problem (I even did Pilates till 26 weeks – my belly had become the medicine ball). At 38 weeks the twins were born via c-section. In Indonesia though they take the babies away as soon as the c-section is performed and no one is allowed in the room, not even the husband. So aside from a quick kiss to each baby I was separated from my family until after recovery. I believe this was the first time loneliness and depression hit…but I didn’t realize it because I was exhausted from the birth.

My parents flew over for the birth and spent two weeks helping us get used to being parents and my husband was off work for summer. I believe I started to rely more on others than God. Slowly, as it got harder to get out of the house on my own with two babies I started to get lonelier and more depressed. I didn’t recognize the signs though. We didn’t have a car so it was either public transportation or I had to get my friends to pick me up…but of course I didn’t want to be a bother to anyone else…and the other moms had to take care of their families too. So, eventually I was only spending time with the other moms during Bible study. 

So I was lonely, tired, and getting more and more depressed. I can remember the night I hit rock bottom. I had already been feeling the anxiety and fears of “what-ifs” every mom has but it had escalated to “what-if I” did such and such.  I had started to have homicidal and suicidal thoughts and that night it turned into “I know I can..” and it scared me to my core. I felt so much fear…I told my husband every thought I had had that night and he prayed for me and we read from the Bible together. 

The next day I spoke with my friend who is a prenatal nurse and she encouraged me to see my doctor for help. She told me, “Jen you are lonely, you most likely have post-partem depression and you need to see the doctor.” She didn’t blame me for my thoughts instead she informed me of what goes on in your brain when you have post-partem depression. She then explained it all to my husband and then prayed with both of us. As soon as we got off the phone I got a hold of my doctor. The next words brought me back down, “Jennifer, you just need to concentrate on being a better mother.” I tried that for about a day but knew it wasn’t going to help. At last I convinced my doctor to give me a referral for a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gave me a low dose of anti-depressants. They helped a little but I think the thing that helped the most was when my husband and I prayed and read the Scriptures together. 

In my Bible study we were learning about praying scripture and that is what I started to do. Every night and anytime I had an intrusive thought I would pray 2 Cor 10:3-6, “For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete.” Those words, “Take every thought captive to Christ” became my lifeline. I would read them, pray them, and hold onto them every day. I am convinced I was in a spiritual war and without Christ and His word I am terrified as to where the intrusive thoughts would have taken me. The medication helped but I believe it is our Lord who truly pulled me out of my pit of despair. 

A week after being on the medication I found out I was pregnant again and the doctors told me to go off the medication. I was scared of the back fall. I couldn’t go back down that road again. But as I went off it I was once again surrounded by those who love me. My sister came over to help us pack to move back to the States and I had told my Bible study ladies so I knew I was surrounded in prayer by them as well as family back home waiting for us. At my doctor visit we found out we were indeed pregnant but my uterus wall was detaching and I would have a miscarriage. I lost the baby. I wasn’t far along but it was hard to know we were pregnant and have it taken away so quickly. I submersed myself in the scripture and we moved home. I was no longer lonely but surrounded by family who helps at a moment’s notice. For about a year I struggled with those intrusive thoughts. They would come and with Christ’s help and the Word I was able to push them aside and take them captive.

After going through such loneliness and depression I have such a passion for helping other women so they don’t have to feel that loneliness. As moms we take on too much by ourselves. We need to remember that others are there for us. Christ gave us husbands to lean on and a community to help us. I am so thankful for the man who is mine. If you are going through this please don’t feel alone. Ask for help…even it is just getting out of the house for an hour or you need adult conversation. There is no shame in going to see a psychiatrist, counselor, or taking medication. Doing so is more important than risking your health or the safety of others. Remember, Christ is there for you and will pick you up out of the mire. He did it for me and He will do it for you. 


Almost one year exactly after my miscarriage, Emma Hope was born. Her name means Complete Hope. She is our constant reminder that Christ is where we find our complete hope.
Our Precious Family - Photo By Luke Andersen Photography

Me and my sweet hubby

1 comment:

  1. You, your husband and family are so precious, not only to God, but to many others who love you dearly. Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry to hear that you have traveled this path, but so happy that you have been strengthened through God's word and loving family to become a stronger person. I am also happy to see you sharing with others to bring encouragement to them. God will use your life experience and vulnerable sharing to change lives. You are such a beautiful woman of God.

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