I grew up in a Christian home. My
grandma called me the perfect one. My friends in high school called me smiley
because I was always…well smiling and happy. Aside from 3 broken arms, I wasn’t
the sick child. I was the easy teenager. I always thought…I have the most
boring testimony. Went to camp in 4th grade, came back having
accepted Christ, and never questioned my faith after that.
Then in December of 2009 I
married my amazing husband. My husband grew up in Papua New Guinea where his
parents are missionaries. He had a desire to be overseas and share Christ with
others. While we were engaged he applied to teach at a school in Indonesia. At
the time we didn’t think he would get hired. God, of course had other plans and
he was hired and in July of 2010 we were on a flight to Indonesia with a signed
contract for Stephen to teach there for two years.
Now, I am a homebody and my
family is extremely close. I came home from college EVERY weekend except for
one. My grandma lives less than 15 minutes away and my dad’s whole side of the
family has family dinner EVERY Sunday since I was born. Here I was…following my
husband to a foreign country that is filled with Muslims, active volcanoes, and
9,059mi away. I was scared but I knew
God was with us.
We moved, we made friends, we
found a church, and we fell in love with the Indonesian people. We knew this
was where God wanted us. We were growing as a couple and in our personal
relationships with Christ. Then on October 22, I took a test. On our
birthday (yup we have the same birthday!) we found out we were pregnant. We were so very excited. Our first
baby! We were going to be parents. I ran over and showed the pee stick to my
best friend, called my parents on skype, and had a fantastic day.
I probably
should have questioned the deep purple line that I was able to see…after all it
was 3 days before my period was supposed to come. At 5 weeks we went to the
doctor where during that time he told us we were having twins. I
laughed…because of course we were and my husband went into shock. For the next
8 months I was on sky high. So excited to become a mom and of twins!!! I had so
much help from my hubby and friends and never had a single pregnancy problem (I
even did Pilates till 26 weeks – my belly had become the medicine ball). At 38
weeks the twins were born via c-section. In Indonesia though they take the
babies away as soon as the c-section is performed and no one is allowed in the
room, not even the husband. So aside from a quick kiss to each baby I was
separated from my family until after recovery. I believe this was the first
time loneliness and depression hit…but I didn’t realize it because I was
exhausted from the birth.
My parents flew over for the
birth and spent two weeks helping us get used to being parents and my husband
was off work for summer. I believe I started to rely more on others than God.
Slowly, as it got harder to get out of the house on my own with two babies I
started to get lonelier and more depressed. I didn’t recognize the signs
though. We didn’t have a car so it was either public transportation or I had to
get my friends to pick me up…but of course I didn’t want to be a bother to
anyone else…and the other moms had to take care of their families too. So,
eventually I was only spending time with the other moms during Bible study.
So I was lonely, tired, and
getting more and more depressed. I can remember the night I hit rock bottom. I
had already been feeling the anxiety and fears of “what-ifs” every mom has but
it had escalated to “what-if I” did such and such. I had started to have homicidal and suicidal
thoughts and that night it turned into “I know I can..” and it scared me to my
core. I felt so much fear…I told my husband every thought I had had that night
and he prayed for me and we read from the Bible together.
The next day I spoke
with my friend who is a prenatal nurse and she encouraged me to see my doctor
for help. She told me, “Jen you are lonely, you most likely have post-partem
depression and you need to see the doctor.” She didn’t blame me for my thoughts
instead she informed me of what goes on in your brain when you have post-partem
depression. She then explained it all to my husband and then prayed with both
of us. As soon as we got off the phone I got a hold of my doctor. The next
words brought me back down, “Jennifer, you just need to concentrate on being a
better mother.” I tried that for about a day but knew it wasn’t going to help.
At last I convinced my doctor to give me a referral for a psychiatrist. The
psychiatrist gave me a low dose of anti-depressants. They helped a little but I
think the thing that helped the most was when my husband and I prayed and read
the Scriptures together.
In my Bible study we were learning about praying
scripture and that is what I started to do. Every night and anytime I had an
intrusive thought I would pray 2 Cor
10:3-6, “For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to
the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of flesh but have divine
power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion
raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey
Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is
complete.” Those words, “Take every thought captive to Christ” became my
lifeline. I would read them, pray them, and hold onto them every day. I am
convinced I was in a spiritual war and without Christ and His word I am
terrified as to where the intrusive thoughts would have taken me. The
medication helped but I believe it is our Lord who truly pulled me out of my
pit of despair.
A week after being on the
medication I found out I was pregnant again and the doctors told me to go off
the medication. I was scared of the back fall. I couldn’t go back down that
road again. But as I went off it I was once again surrounded by those who love
me. My sister came over to help us pack to move back to the States and I had
told my Bible study ladies so I knew I was surrounded in prayer by them as well
as family back home waiting for us. At my doctor visit we found out we were
indeed pregnant but my uterus wall was detaching and I would have a
miscarriage. I lost the baby. I wasn’t far along but it was hard to know we
were pregnant and have it taken away so quickly. I submersed myself in the
scripture and we moved home. I was no longer lonely but surrounded by family
who helps at a moment’s notice. For about a year I struggled with those
intrusive thoughts. They would come and with Christ’s help and the Word I was
able to push them aside and take them captive.
After going through such loneliness
and depression I have such a passion for helping other women so they don’t have
to feel that loneliness. As moms we take on too much by ourselves. We need to
remember that others are there for us. Christ gave us husbands to lean on and a
community to help us. I am so thankful for the man who is mine. If you are
going through this please don’t feel alone. Ask for help…even it is just
getting out of the house for an hour or you need adult conversation. There is
no shame in going to see a psychiatrist, counselor, or taking medication. Doing
so is more important than risking your health or the safety of others.
Remember, Christ is there for you and will pick you up out of the mire. He did
it for me and He will do it for you.
Almost one year exactly after my
miscarriage, Emma Hope was born. Her name means Complete Hope. She is
our constant reminder that Christ is where we find our complete hope.
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| Our Precious Family - Photo By Luke Andersen Photography |
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| Me and my sweet hubby |
