My 2015 Word

I hate New Year's Resolutions...honestly, I haven't made one in years because I have never been able to keep a single one. Last year I saw on Facebook people choosing a word to implement throughout their year. For 2014 I chose a word and tried to let that word be my focus throughout the year. This year I will be doing the same thing.

My 2014 word was "Present." I focused on being more present with those around me. I know the rest of you are not like this but I spent most of my day on my phone in the presence of the Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram world rather than focusing on those around me. My first step was to delete Facebook off of my phone. This worked for a bit until I started using the browser on my phone to get to Facebook. Addicted much? So...obviously deletion did not help. In June, the day after our twins' 3rd birthday we went to Disneyland. I knew enough was enough...I so enjoyed my smart phone but knew it was time to give it up so that I could fully focus on my family. On our way home we bought my dumb phone. It at least had a qwerty keyboard and did have VERY limited web access. Sadly, my 1 year old killed my beautiful new qwerty phone in about a week and now I have a SUPER dumb phone.

I thought I was going to miss that iPhone so much. Many people thought I was crazy to go back to the "dark ages." Hey...at least it's a flip phone. I can't get group messages but that is OK...I get to have more personal "conversations. " I don't have emojis and if you send them to me I only see squares so I am pretty sure everyone is just sending me piles of poop.  The only thing I actually miss is the GPS but then a dear friend gave me her TomTom GPS (you remember those right?) so now I can get where I need to go without worrying about getting lost or having to print out MapQuest (o yes, it was that bad for a bit!). Guess what though! I am so much better without it. When we go to the park I am not looking down at my phone but up at my children. When I am with friends I am listening to them and looking in their eyes rather than being distracted with an amazingly well thought out mom parody (LOVE THOSE!). My children don't have to ask me to put down my phone. I am already there with them. I did get an iPod in October. I can only get on it when I have wifi so it is very limited. I will continue to try and be more present for my children and husband as I don't want to miss the sweet moments that go by way too fast.

It has been so hard to choose my 2015 word. I narrowed it down to two words, "Discipline" and "Stewardship." My husband suggested "Stewarpline." He is so creative! I have decided to choose "DISCIPLINE" as my 2015 word (I think). Bobby Knight (a coach of something...I don't really do sports) said this of DISCIPLINE, "Discipline: doing what you have to do, and doing it as well as you possibly can, and doing it that way all the time." Now, I am not perfect I do not expect to be perfect and I hope nobody expects that of me either. I do though need to do what I need to do and do it well in order to be a better STEWARD of all that God has given to me (health, things, time, etc).

I want to be more DISCIPLINED in many aspects of my life including STEWARDSHIP. This year I will try to focus on this word by having more DISCIPLINE in my health and exercise. Let's be honest, I hate to workout...and sweat. I try and find an excuse every time I am about to start so that I don't have to do it. It is so important to be healthy and a good STEWARD of the body God gave me. I also would like to be a better STEWARD of the things God has given me. Cheri Gregory pointed out in Kathi Lipp's podcast "So Here's The Thing" that if we don't use something we have we should give it to someone who can use it otherwise it will go to waste and therefore we are not being a good STEWARD of what God has entrusted us with. Lastly, I want to focus on being more DISCIPLINED in keeping a tidy/clean home. I do NOT want a Martha Steward home in where you don't feel like you can touch anything. I want you to feel like you can grab food out of the fridge, get your own water, put your feet on the couch and let your child be himself. I ALSO want to be able to have you over without doing the mad dash to hide everything in my bedroom, vacuuming the floor (including the tile because who has time to vacuum AND sweep), and checking to make sure my son didn't miss the toilet before you get here. I want to be DISCIPLINED enough that my house feels like home to all who enter it.

 I know DISCIPLINE is going to be hard. I will be pushed and pulled in ways I am sure will make me uncomfortable but I love what Hebrews 12:11(ESV) tells us. "For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." That is so beautiful and reassuring to me. To have peace come from pain makes the process OK and isn't that just how God works? Refining us to become more like Him so that we can have peace that passes all understanding.

Here is to this new year and new word! Make sure you leave a comment here with what word you are going to focus on this year as well.

My 2015 Word: DISCIPLINE
My 2015 Verse: Hebrews 12:11 "For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

My Story of Depression

I thought in light of the sad news of Robin Williams' death I would share my story of depression. It is so hard to go through. Getting to that depth of despair...it is only by the grace of God that one can come out of it.

I grew up in a Christian home. My grandma called me the perfect one. My friends in high school called me smiley because I was always…well smiling and happy. Aside from 3 broken arms, I wasn’t the sick child. I was the easy teenager. I always thought…I have the most boring testimony. Went to camp in 4^th grade, came back having accepted Christ, and never questioned my faith after that.

Then in December of 2009 I married my amazing husband. My husband grew up in Papua New Guinea where his parents are missionaries. He had a desire to be overseas and share Christ with others. While we were engaged he applied to teach at a school in Indonesia. At the time we didn’t think he would get hired. God, of course had other plans and he was hired and in July of 2010 we were on a flight to Indonesia with a signed contract for Stephen to teach there for two years. 

Now, I am a homebody and my family is extremely close. I came home from college EVERY weekend except for one. My grandma lives less than 15 minutes away and my dad’s whole side of the family has family dinner EVERY Sunday since I was born. Here I was…following my husband to a foreign country that is filled with Muslims, active volcanoes, and 9,059mi away.  I was scared but I knew God was with us.

We moved, we made friends, we found a church, and we fell in love with the Indonesian people. We knew this was where God wanted us. We were growing as a couple and in our personal relationships with Christ. Then on October 22^, I took a test. On our birthday (yup we have the same birthday!) we found out we were pregnant. We were so very excited. Our first baby! We were going to be parents. I ran over and showed the pee stick to my best friend, called my parents on skype, and had a fantastic day. 

I probably should have questioned the deep purple line that I was able to see…after all it was 3 days before my period was supposed to come. At 5 weeks we went to the doctor where during that time he told us we were having twins. I laughed…because of course we were and my husband went into shock. For the next 8 months I was on sky high. So excited to become a mom and of twins!!! I had so much help from my hubby and friends and never had a single pregnancy problem (I even did Pilates till 26 weeks – my belly had become the medicine ball). At 38 weeks the twins were born via c-section. In Indonesia though they take the babies away as soon as the c-section is performed and no one is allowed in the room, not even the husband. So aside from a quick kiss to each baby I was separated from my family until after recovery. I believe this was the first time loneliness and depression hit…but I didn’t realize it because I was exhausted from the birth.

My parents flew over for the birth and spent two weeks helping us get used to being parents and my husband was off work for summer. I believe I started to rely more on others than God. Slowly, as it got harder to get out of the house on my own with two babies I started to get lonelier and more depressed. I didn’t recognize the signs though. We didn’t have a car so it was either public transportation or I had to get my friends to pick me up…but of course I didn’t want to be a bother to anyone else…and the other moms had to take care of their families too. So, eventually I was only spending time with the other moms during Bible study. 

So I was lonely, tired, and getting more and more depressed. I can remember the night I hit rock bottom. I had already been feeling the anxiety and fears of “what-ifs” every mom has but it had escalated to “what-if I” did such and such.  I had started to have homicidal and suicidal thoughts and that night it turned into “I know I can..” and it scared me to my core. I felt so much fear…I told my husband every thought I had had that night and he prayed for me and we read from the Bible together. 

The next day I spoke with my friend who is a prenatal nurse and she encouraged me to see my doctor for help. She told me, “Jen you are lonely, you most likely have post-partem depression and you need to see the doctor.” She didn’t blame me for my thoughts instead she informed me of what goes on in your brain when you have post-partem depression. She then explained it all to my husband and then prayed with both of us. As soon as we got off the phone I got a hold of my doctor. The next words brought me back down, “Jennifer, you just need to concentrate on being a better mother.” I tried that for about a day but knew it wasn’t going to help. At last I convinced my doctor to give me a referral for a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gave me a low dose of anti-depressants. They helped a little but I think the thing that helped the most was when my husband and I prayed and read the Scriptures together. 

In my Bible study we were learning about praying scripture and that is what I started to do. Every night and anytime I had an intrusive thought I would pray 2 Cor 10:3-6, “For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete.” Those words, “Take every thought captive to Christ” became my lifeline. I would read them, pray them, and hold onto them every day. I am convinced I was in a spiritual war and without Christ and His word I am terrified as to where the intrusive thoughts would have taken me. The medication helped but I believe it is our Lord who truly pulled me out of my pit of despair. 

A week after being on the medication I found out I was pregnant again and the doctors told me to go off the medication. I was scared of the back fall. I couldn’t go back down that road again. But as I went off it I was once again surrounded by those who love me. My sister came over to help us pack to move back to the States and I had told my Bible study ladies so I knew I was surrounded in prayer by them as well as family back home waiting for us. At my doctor visit we found out we were indeed pregnant but my uterus wall was detaching and I would have a miscarriage. I lost the baby. I wasn’t far along but it was hard to know we were pregnant and have it taken away so quickly. I submersed myself in the scripture and we moved home. I was no longer lonely but surrounded by family who helps at a moment’s notice. For about a year I struggled with those intrusive thoughts. They would come and with Christ’s help and the Word I was able to push them aside and take them captive.

After going through such loneliness and depression I have such a passion for helping other women so they don’t have to feel that loneliness. As moms we take on too much by ourselves. We need to remember that others are there for us. Christ gave us husbands to lean on and a community to help us. I am so thankful for the man who is mine. If you are going through this please don’t feel alone. Ask for help…even it is just getting out of the house for an hour or you need adult conversation. There is no shame in going to see a psychiatrist, counselor, or taking medication. Doing so is more important than risking your health or the safety of others. Remember, Christ is there for you and will pick you up out of the mire. He did it for me and He will do it for you. 

Almost one year exactly after my miscarriage, Emma Hope was born. Her name means Complete Hope. She is our constant reminder that Christ is where we find our complete hope.

Our Precious Family - Photo By Luke Andersen Photography

Me and my sweet hubby

Mom in Real Life

I am kinda tired of the Facebook mom....you know the one? It is me but it is the me I want you to see. The one that says, "My kid is awesome because she just vacuumed and she is only 2 1/2!" or "My hubby just brought be home flowers for no reason!" Yes, that happens but really it isn't the norm. What is the norm? The norm is the banana that got smashed into the carpet and I have no idea how to get it all out. The norm is my 8 1/2 month old just pooped an exploding poop again for the 3rd time today. The norm is the kisses I got from my son covered in yogurt. My life is messy, hard, and sometimes downright disgusting BUT it is mine. It is the life God has blessed me with! I want to share it with you because honestly it is so hard sometimes when you think, "Am I the only one going through this?" The answer is a resounding "NO" we all go through those times but we don't hear about them enough to feel like we are doing this motherhood thing right. So here you go....this is going to me as "Mom in Real Life." Yes you will hear about the amazing things my kids do and how awesome my hubby was for the day but you will also read about the downright hard days. The days I have to call/text my friend just to know I didn't fail...because sometimes I do feel like the worst mom ever.

Like the other day. OMG!!! My 2 1/2 year old son took an AMAZING nap! So amazing I had to wake him up so that he wouldn't wake up at 4am the next morning. Do you know what happens to a 2 year old when you wake them before they are ready? Let me tell you...it isn't pretty. Ladies, there was screaming. I tried to bring him into the living room and he just sat outside our door...outside...screaming. No matter what I did it didn't help. Kisses, treat offers, letting him go back to his room...nothing. His twin sister even tried to help by opening the door for him but he just kept pulling it closed and screaming at it. So like any good mom...I decided to let him just get it out. He wasn't hurting anything but our ears and it was just me and the kids home so no big deal. Until the phone rang...and a lovely helpful neighbor on a walk buzzed our gate to let me know that there was a baby...outside...crying at the door. Really? My reply, "Yes, I know but he won't come in." I watched her from my door as she just walked away after I said "I know." Then the feelings came...the guilt, the I am a HORRIBLE MOTHER, the worst mom known to man....I thought, "O great! Now CPS will be called because my son was crying..." So, I went out, picked my little man up and brought him inside...of course the screaming ended but I was still upset. Not at my son. He is only 2 1/2 and he was still waking up. I get it because I hate being woken up too. But upset because I felt judged by this woman I don't even know. I ended up texting my sweet friend, Mrs. Jackalope, and telling her what happened. Ladies, please get a friend like this. She didn't judge me. She basically told me how much is sucks and how she has been there. She then made me feel better by telling me her horrible mother story...because we all have at least 1. This is what we need girls. We need to be able to help each other out and not judge one another. It doesn't help that mom when you tell her she just needs to try harder. Sometimes, she has tried her hardest and it didn't work because our kids have minds of their own. We need to hear, "I have been there and you are not alone." Mrs. Jackalope offered to help me get the kids in the car because my husband wanted us to meet him for a meeting. Now I felt ridiculous, really? Can't I just get it together enough to put all three kids in the car? While figuring out my plan of getting the kids all properly dressed, shoes on, and buckled in the car Mrs. Jackalope and I planned to get our two families together for dinner that night. Let me tell you, Rubios got a fun surprise that night. Our 6 kids combined made for an entertaining evening. I was refreshed again though. My friend had helped and my hubby got to go to his favorite restaurant and be with a happy wife rather than the stressed out one he would have come home to without my sweet friend's words.

Prayer Over Your Family

Lately it has been pressed upon me to be praying protection over our family. In our little community we have seen so much sickness. And not just a simple cold, I mean sickness that has put friends into the hospital. Now, I am not saying that these friends are sick because they didn't pray. I am saying that because of this I feel I need to be praying all the more for my husband and babies. God has called me as a wife and mother to pray over our household. What more important job do I have? I honestly can't think of one. Mother's take a stand for your family. Call onto God to protect the ones you hold most dear! Last night and this morning it has hit me even more that I need to not just be praying silently for them but aloud. Let the devil HEAR me cry out to my Father to protect my loved ones! Let's rebuke the evil one in Jesus Christ's holy and powerful name! If you need help coming up with a prayer I found this site which has a beautiful prayer of protection for your family. Wives and mothers please join me in praying for our families!

#15 - Go on a walk with husband w/o complaining

Ok, when I made the list this actually would have been more difficult to do. But now almost every day my hubby and I take the babies for a walk. The twins love it especially Little Man. He loves listening to the birds outside and watching the trees sway in the wind. So now when my hubby suggests a walk we are almost immediately getting the babies in the stroller and there are no complaints from this Mama!

Quench the Thirst

Yesterday we took the twins to church for the first time. At six weeks I figured their immune system should be handle the many touches from random people that were certain to come their way. I felt silly about waiting so long. They had already gone to the mall many times and of course had a bunch of our friends hold them before then. But the mall they are always in their stroller totally covered so that people can't touch them. At church we just had their carriers so people could just reach in and touch...although I wish I had a sign that said in English and Indonesian "Please just touch my feet" or "Please don't touch. I'm too small for your big germs." But anyways...we had some wonderful friends who were willing to give us a ride into church and away we went.

 

It had been since the beginning of my 3rd trimester since I had gone into our church here in Indonesia. I had had a couple of contractions one Sunday and we felt we didn't want to risk going into labor in Jakarta and trying to get back to our hospital. There are times when there are demonstrations or just really bad traffic that can make what should be a 30 minute trip take 2-4hours. So....needless to say I was getting a deep thirst for fellowship and godly teaching. 

Singing praises to our Lord and Savior just started to fill me up and by the time we left I felt that spiritual thirst had been quenched. It was wonderful. I didn't get to sit through the entire service, but what new mom does? The babies did so well too! Thomas only whimpered once cause he was hungry so I got up to feed the babies and got to come back and listen to the rest of the service. It was wonderful. And the best surprise was that it was communion Sunday! So wonderful to partake of the elements on my first Sunday back. My soul has been refreshed and I praise the LORD for it!

#84 - Have a Christmas Tree and #93 - Decorate Apartment for Christmas

Steve bought me a Christmas tree for Christmas 2010. Although it was only about 2 ft tall I was super excited! I was able to decorate it and we enjoyed it before heading to the States on Dec 18th. I also made Christmas candle holders and set out Christmas potpourri.  I can't wait (although I can because I am enjoying them being so small) for this Christmas when I can celebrate the twins' first Christmas and set everything up for them. :)